major rambling
2003-03-11 | 9:22 p.m.

Hi. So, wow, I'm sharing all kinds of stuff lately. Here's more. check back a few entries for other stuff.

When I was 19, I met a girl. Over the internet. I know! I know! So we e-mailed each other, called each other, chatted, talked on the phone...I got to know her family. I talked to her mom and dad a bit. Then I flew to Chicago to see her and stay with her for a week. This is us.

That's me on the right. So I went. I stayed for a week. We would pray in the park at 4:00 in the morning after having walked forever in the snow. She showed me Chicago. We fell asleep in each other's arms. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. So I stayed another week. Then I had to come home because of school. Things kinda went downhill after that. She moved to Kentucky to attend a private Christian school. It was a school where girls went to get their M-R-S. So all the girls had local boyfriends except for her. She fell into the trap of comparing our very non-conventional relationship to theirs. It didn't matter how many flowers, letters, or gifts I sent her, she still didn't have what they had. Spring Break rolled around and she came to Texas for a week. I showed her around San Antonio. I showered her with gifts (if you know me personally, you know my affinity for this pleasure). My parents made plans for her to move to Texas. They were going to let her live in one of their houses and give her a vehicle. They were also going to give her money to compensate for the fact that she wouldn't be able to work at her usual summer job. Everything was going smoothly, except that everything was totally falling apart. I couldn't seem to do anything right. I was affectionate enough for one thing (we all know why now). She grilled everyone she met about my inability to be affectionate...every friend..every family member. They all said, "Andy wasn't given affection as a child, really...he has to learn how to give it. be patient." but she wasn't. She cried almost the entire time she was here. She threatened to quit school. It was a mess. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to break up. and of course my parents were right there to make it just oh so much better *SUPER SARCASM* there. So I was forced to pull it all together long enough to see her off and make sure she went back to school. it sucked.

SO THEN...we broke up. I started getting hate mail...tons of hate mail, almost everyday. Her parents sent me letters, her brothers, her friends...they all sent me lovely letters tell me how horrible I was...how I couldn't be a Christian...how everything was my fault. Then her friends set her up with a guy who sexually assaulted her. The letters really started pouring in then. Apparently, it was my fault. If I hadn't broken up with her, she wouldn't have gone out with him. Then she had to be institutionalized (for the second time). more letters. I couldn't take it anymore. Mom and Dad started checking the mail for me. The hateful letters climaxed with a death threat. I'm not exaggerating. In fact, I just learned of that letter in the past year. Apparently, it was so bad and so violent that mom and dad didn't want to terrify me with it. They destroyed it. Since we never responded, they finally gave up. And that was it.

In 1999, a friend of mine moved in with me. I had already had a crush on this friend. It blossomed. It was overwhelming. It didn't help that we slept in the same bed. We never did anything, but it still didn't help. It didn't help that my roommate would be sitting on the steps waiting for me when I came home from work, saying I was missed. It didn't help that my roommate looked like this:

And so I loved him. Well, I was infatuated. Deeply, Desperately, Destructively. I neglected everyone else for him. I neglected myself for him. It was a very unhealthy relationship. He started dating this Ally Mcbeal look alike, if ally lost about 20 lbs. He stopped paying attention to me. Now and then I would catch him making fun of me to his girlfriend. So one night, one dark night, I decided to hang myself. I just absolutely did not want to live anymore. I knew there was no one to go to for comfort in this situation. I quietly pleaded to Christ as I planned out how I would hang myself and pondered whether I needed to leave a note or if everyone would just kind of know what was going on. The Lord coaxed me into bed, and I clung to the sheets. I was afraid I'd be ripped from them. I knew if I could just hang on until morning, everything would be ok. And it wasn't, but at least I wasn't dead.

The next day I went to a counselor. He told me to ask the guy to move out. I did just that...three months later, but it happened and I was free. It felt really good. I didn't think I could ever do it, but I did and it was great.

I started hanging out with this girl. She was radiant, always smiling. Very cute. She laughed all the time and seemed to think that I was hilarious. She was a chemistry major, and hugely ambitious. Everything was always good. She was so easy going. We were together every second we could be together. This was a little too much time spent together for me, but we were always together. Always. and it seemed really good. So I figured we might as well be married. I proposed. It was very romantic. Her ring was beautiful. This is us:

We were happy, until we were engaged. Then everything just kind of fell apart. I had learned to be affectionate. I was even really enjoying it, but she fell apart for some reason. She cried constantly. We would sit and talk for hours and hours and hours. I asked people to pray for us. Our relationship was always about her. I ceased to matter. So it was really starting to seem just like Monica Lewinsky. The whole thing. On a Monday, something happened, but I can't remember what. I try to sometimes, but there's really no point to it I guess. On Tuesday, I was so upset my chest was really hurting. It was awful. So I started praying. I prayed and prayed and asked other people to pray. I wasn't sure how we were going to make it through the week. We didn't really see each other for a few days. She was busy with wedding plans and I was busy with school and work. Saturday rolled around, and I was asking the Lord what to do. He told me. It was very cool. He revealed a verse to me that was very specific to our situation and basically let me know that the whole thing wasn't even His Will. It was not His intention for me to ever marry her. I would have known this if I had sought Him in prayer beforehand. Sometimes, I'm a moron.

I didn't want to just give up. So I pulled a Gideon (see the book of Judges). I told the Lord I wanted a sign..by the way, this is an example of someone with weak faith, this whole requesting a sign. I should have just taken His Word for it. He had already told me. Anyway, I said that I would propose that we push the wedding back three months. It would give us more time to plan and alleviate some of the stress. If she agreed then I would know that it was God's Will for us to get married, just not at the time we had already set. If she blew up and said to just forget the whole thing, then I would know that it wasn't God's Will even if she changed her mind again and said we could push it back. That's basically how it worked out too. She blew up and said forget it. Then she changed her mind (after five hours of talking) and said we could push it back. It was too late though.

We managed to be friends for the rest of the year...wow I'm leaving soooooo sooooo sooooo much out of all of these stories, but that would take up way too much time (to tell it all). Then she was a missionary (in Oregon of all places) and we lost touch for a while.

So that was that.

Then were was my relationship with Naomi. In my previous three relationships (well, I am not sure if you would count the roomie, since there was really NO reciprocation there), the major part of the blame was not mine. honestly. You can ask outside parties. I think even Annie's parents, if they ever decided to be honest with themselves for even a second, would see that she was just unstable. Oh, I spoke with her mom last year and she thanked me for being so forgiving. I totally forgot about that till just now. I guess they finally were honest with themselves. Anyway..Naomi.

What can I say? It would have been perfect, even if she is a bit too motherly sometimes. It would have been perfect except that I have all these issues that never had time to surface in my other two relationships (with the girls). But Naomi didn't have all those faults that squelched the relationship early on. So there was time for all my faults to come into play. This was new. And it made me realize, that even when the girl is perfect, I'm just not compatible. not right now anyway.

Honestly, even if Annie hadn't been psycho and Sandra hadn't just totally lost it after we became engaged, it wouldn't have worked. I know that. I am attracted to men and that's just what I'm dealing with right now.

So now I'm single. After Naomi, I just realized that I'm not going to be able to "make it work" with any girl. And I can't even try with a guy. So now I just have healthy relationships with people like

and

and

and

I don't have a pic of Luke's girlfriend, Merritt, so there he is by himself.

And it's awesome. I don't need just ONE person to complete me or one person to devote everything about myself to. I have God and I have these amazing friends that love me with a love I have never experienced before. They don't demand anything from me, they love me and accept me (hang ups and all), and they support me as I work through things. Sometimes I'm baffled by them. It's wild, that I've just put myself through so much crap trying to find validation in another person and then when I finally just gave up, God provided me with several people (including Naomi who is still a super good friend) who encourage me in my walk with Christ.

I'm so blessed. Sometimes, I wonder how I can leave them. it's only a physical move though. And I'll always keep in touch with them. I don't know if I'll ever have such a wonderful group of friends again. I hope so, though these guys are irreplaceable.

I love them. Have I said that? Can I say it too many times? I don't think so.

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