C h a z a q
It means "Strength"

lament
2003-03-27 | 8:28 p.m.

I was reading random journals today, because I do that. And I'm sick, and I can only lie on my couch for so long. So I was going through these random journals and I came across this one section and I think it's hilarious:

I have seen someone burn the Norwegian flag (here in Norway). Flag burning is okay with me, but in my idea it would be better if they could throw on some steaks on the grilling matter. What type of flag it would be is less important. I think I would prefer some good food and soda to go with those rebellious feelings. I think my dad would agree. In the backyard would be great. I would assume that rebelliousness sometimes would seem more intellectual, in the privacy of your own home. Suddenly I'm really hungry.

That's just hilarious to me for some reason. Anyway, I've been really ill since yesterday, with a huge dose of fatigue. It's not fun. You'd think I'd be super bored just lying on the couch all day, drifting in and out of sleep while I listen to praise music, but I don't seem to feel like doing anything else. Or, I didn't until my back started hurting, so I try to move around a bit. dang, I sound old or something. bleh. I saw the dr. yesterday. She gave me a prescription for Lexapro, and I start counseling in May (once a week, maybe).

It seems dumb, probably, to someone who hasn't had to deal with celiac, but it just seems to be getting harder to deal with. I should be well by now, and I'm not. And it's depressing. I get these periods of fatigue and also the whole being sick thing. It sucks, really. Then I feel stupid and ashamed, because I'm here in the USA (May the Lord smile on us forever) and what right do I have to be down when other people are fighting in a war?

So I'm going through these cycles of depression, guilt, and then anger at myself for having any of these emotions at all. And I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck here, in this dark place..this ferris wheel of emotion whose exit I can't seem to find.

If I could just get healthy again, everything would be ok. I can handle everything else, I think. I had been pretty well, anyway. But this is starting to be too much, and I realized I needed a little help. Enter Lexapro and counseling. So, we'll see how that goes.

I'm so grateful for my friends and family who are always so genuinely concerned and never seem to tire of me. I can't imagine not having them in my life. John called me twice today to check on me. He always makes me laugh. My mom offered to sing me a song earlier. She said, "Hon, is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Sing you a song, tell you a story, bring you anything?" That was so sweet. Then she offered to buy me something. "What would make you happy?" She asked. I told her I'm just sick. I'm not lacking anything but consistently good health. I'm still great with the being single and everything else in life is just dandy. So, I just need good health. I thought I'd be there by now. I've been so good with the diet, I think. Not good enough, and with celiac, it's all or nothing. I must be screwing up somewhere.

So, I have hope in this:

Isaiah 61

Exaltation of the Afflicted

1

The (1) Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,

Because the LORD has anointed me

To (2) bring good news to the (3) afflicted;

He has sent me to (4) bind up the brokenhearted,

To (5) proclaim liberty to captives

And freedom to prisoners;

2

To (6) proclaim the favorable year of the LORD

And the (7) day of vengeance of our God;

To (8) comfort all who mourn,

3

To (9) grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The (10) oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.

So they will be called (11) oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

Jesus is going to do that for me...and for everyone else also...and soon.

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