Am I making any sense here?
2003-05-24 | 9:49 a.m.

Well, I'm bored, and I have Troy on the brain, so I thought I'd tell you some of the freaky stuff about him. This is just a small sample. I can't remember a lot of it. Like when I was 9. I don't remember being 9. I know I was 9. It's just gone. That year. But here's some other stuff.

The thing about Troy is that he doesn't completely lie. He tells half-truths or partial truths. Well, sometimes he would just outright lie to me. Like he told me once that my grandfather's (my mom's mom's husband) wealth was due to involvement in a large drug ring from Mexico. This was hilarious, because Troy had never met my grandfather and knew NOTHING about him except that he came from a very wealthy family in Mexico (it's a really awesome story of leaving everything to make it on his own. I'll share it sometime). He only knew that because I told him. So that was a boldfaced lie that I could just immediately dismiss. No big deal.

Some of the things he told me, I couldn't dismiss though. He's terribly convincing when he wants to be. He never really used to sleep. He'd just take little 10 minute naps every few hours. Honestly, that was always kind of disturbing to me. Anyway, I think since he was always awake he just had way too much time to craft all these stories.

Wow. They all left. I had them in my head when I started typing this and now I can't think of any. hm. They'll come back. In the meantime, I'll tell about some kinda weird stuff about him.

Troy would tell me that he could see me all the time. He could just close his eyes and know where I was and what I was doing. Well, when you are a little kid this is one freaky thing to hear. So I grew up hearing this, and he would prove it to me. I say that, but I don't remember exactly how. Just that I was convinced. Oh, it was crazy, because sometimes it worked both ways though. I just remember the two times when that happened. And maybe this happens to everyone. I don't know.

I remember once, just after I got my driver's license (so obviously a few years had passed since he originally told me this) I was driving to the town that he lived in. I hadn't told him I was coming. I was just going to show up. It was late at night and very dark out. Like a new moon. I was driving along and I encountered some traffic. So I'm at the back of this line of cars, and I knew that three cars up it was Troy. I don't know how I knew, I just did. Ok, no big deal. Good guess. BUT! Suddenly, that vehicle just pulled over on the side of the road and I pulled off too. We both got out and he said, "I knew you were back there." WHAT?!

Then another time when I was eight, I was staying at my sister-in-law's office while Troy was working. I didn't know what time he was going to come get me or if he even was going to come get me. I laid down on the floor to take a nap, and then I could see him. He was driving down the road to the office. I saw him get out of his pick up. I saw him open the door to the office. At the same time, I heard the door open. I opened my eyes and got up and there he was. Nutty. Maybe I just read too much into stuff.

It's all the stuff he used to tell me about my mom that really freaked me out. But I don't like to tell people two much of that. I will tell you that he whole heartedly believes she is a living breathing angel (fallen now - because she divorced him, ha ha) and she has the power to heal.

The thing about him is that he soo totally convinces himself that everything he says is true. He believes it so much that it just seems like it has to be true when he's telling you these things. And he'd tell me to watch and see. "watch her. Watch her pick up a child that's crying and it will stop. Watch her and you'll see that I'm right." And my mom does seem to have an uncanny ability to make everything good. BUT SHE'S A MOM! She's supposed to be able to do that. And true, she did wind up becoming a nurse..something she felt she'd always been called to do...even so. So anyway, when you're little though, and that suggestion has been planted, you read into everything. And Troy had me reading into every single little action of every person and believing so much crazy crap. Oh, and my step-dad is supposed to be the devil. How nice is that?

"Thanks for visiting son. Now go back home to your fallen angel mom and don't forget that satan is sleeping in bed with her in just the next room." Gotta love that.

Man there was so much. So many years of twisting everything. Bending every semblance of truth until nothing was left of reality. Just a big jumbled mess. I wonder why my brother is coke addict?

Thank God I got out of that before I was too terribly screwed up. I mean sure I'm gay and for many many years I believed everything bad that happened in the world was my fault. I've told you how that family blames me for their financial downfall just because I happened to be born at exactly the time when they lost everything. Sure I've been suicidal and had an eating disorder. But I'm ok. Now.

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