horoscope
2003-09-17 | 3:03 p.m.

I don't believe in horoscopes, but here you go:

Aries: (March 21�April 19)

You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)

You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)

You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)

Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)

Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)

You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.

Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)

You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)

You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)

You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)

In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)

Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down�no problem!!!

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)

Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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