Senior Moments
2003-11-24 | 7:42 p.m.

THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS

> > > > >

> > > > >An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that

her

> > > > >car has

> > > > >been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation

to

> > the

> > > > >dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the

brake

> > > pedal

> > > > >and

> > > > >even the accelerator!" she cried.

> > > > >

> > > > >The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

> > > > >

> > > > >A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.

> "She

> > > > >got in the back-seat by mistake.

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >FAMILY

> > > > >

> > > > >Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One

night

> > > > >the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She

> > > > >yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the

bath?"

> > > > >

> > > > >The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She

> > > > >starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or

down?"

> > > > >

> > > > >The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea

listening

> to

> > > > >her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never

get

> > > > >that

> > > >

> > > > >forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

> > > > >

> > > > >She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I

see

> > > > >who's at

> > > > >the door."

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

> > > > >

> > > > >Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one

fine

> > > > >March day.

> > > > >

> > > > >One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

> > > > >

> > > > >And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >SUPERSEX

> > > > >

> > > > >A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing

> home.

> > > > >As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say

> > > > >"Supersex."

> > > > >

> > > > >She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her

gown

at

> > > > >him, she said, "Supersex."

> > > > >

> > > > >He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll

take

> > > > >the soup." _______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >ROMANCE

> > > > >

> > > > >An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was

falling

> > > > >asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

> > > > >

> > > > >She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

> > > > >

> > > > >Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried

to

> get

> > > > >back to sleep.

> > > > >

> > > > >A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.

> > > > >

> > > > >"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the

cheek

> and

> > > > >settled down to sleep.

> > > > >

> > > > >Thirty seconds later she said:"Then you used to bite my neck."

> > > > >

> > > > >Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

> > > > >

> > > > >"Where are you going?" she asked.

> > > > >

> > > > >"To get my teeth!"

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

> > > > >

> > > > >80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement

home.

> > > > >

> > > > >She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who

can

> > > > >guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

> > > > >

> > > > >An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

> > > > >

> > > > >Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >OLD FRIENDS

> > > > >

> > > > >Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the

years,

> > > > >they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

> > > > >

> > > > >Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times

a

> week

> > > > >to play cards.

> > > > >

> > > > >One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and

> said,

> > > > >"Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a

long

> time

> > > > >... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and

thought,

> but

> > > > >I can't remember

> > > > >it. Please tell me what your name is."

> > > > >

> > > > >Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just

stared

> > > > >and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to

know?"

> > > > >

> > > > >_______________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >SENIOR DRIVING

> > > > >

> > > > >As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone

rang.

> > > > >Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

> > > > >

> > > > >"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the

wrong

> > > > >way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

> > > > >

> > > > >"Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of

them

> > > > >

> > > > >____________________________________

> > > > >

> > > > >DRIVING

> > > > >

> > > > >Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could

> barely

> > > > >see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to

an

> > > > >intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on

through.

> > > > >

> > > > >The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be

losing

> > > > >it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

> > > > >

> > > > >After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and

the

> > > > >light was red again. Again, they went right through.

> > > > >

> > > > >The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had

> been

> > > > >red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was

getting

> > > > >nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and

the

> > > > >next intersection.

> > > > >

> > > > >At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they

> went

> > > > >on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,

did

> > > > >you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You

> could

> > > > >have killed us both!"

> > > > >

> > > > >Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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