Bet you don't make it all the way through
2003-12-14 | 6:34 p.m.

well, I'm headed to portland and then on to Texas in a few hours. That's funny. I had put "on to home.." but then I erased "home" and typed "Texas." That's exactly how I feel. I'm home right now...and soon I won't be.

I promise to not complain to my loved ones in Texas about being there. I remember when my friend Raymond came from Seoul, and he just complained the entire time about how much he hated it. I thought it was very rude. So I'm going to try very hard not to do that.

I have this "friend" who is chatting with me right now who always feels a need to keep me updated on everything in his life. I always want to ask, "Why am I supposed to care about this crap?" I guess it's because I used to care so much...too much.

I can't wait to see everyone. I just wish they would all come to me.

Right now I'm just killing time while I wait for Russ to come get me. He had this red shirt made for me that says, "Handy Andy" in white letters. It's very cute. He and I are staying out, clubbing I guess, until 4:30 in the morning. That's when I have to be at the airport. That should be fun. did I already say that somewhere in here? Hum, oh well.

I'm so afraid I might have accidentally packed something that could be considered a weapon. I've gone through everything to make sure, but sometimes, you just don't think about some stuff being dangerous.

I've packed two bags, and i'm taking my backpack. I'll probably be washing clothes a lot, but Mom wants to take me Christmas shopping on Tuesday. Maybe I can get some clothes then. I did a very rude thing...it was actually a reflex. I didn't mean to say it. Mom sent me money, and she told me how much it was going to be. I let a very disappointed "oh" slip out. I feel bad. It's still a really good amount...just not as much as I'm used to. So now I feel like a jerk. Maybe I won't ask for too much clothing. I have been giving myself little shopping sprees at Nordstroms and The Buckle the last couple of weeks. I just made little justifications like, "I've never owned cashmere" and "This jacket is only $50" and "I really really need this pair of jeans...and this pair too." But somehow I neglected to buy shirts, so maybe Mom will take care of that for me.

Ramble ramble ramble. oh I have food in the microwave. I haven't really eaten today. I don't know why that is. so I cooked some eggs in the microwave...ever try that? it's different.

I hope no one gives me a "you sure have changed" speech. I haven't changed, and if anyone tells me I have I'm going to bitchslap them, put my cigarette out in their hand, and then steal their cash.

no, I don't smoke. I did keep a cigarette in my mouth one night at school, but it wasn't lit. I like the way unlit tobacco smells, and I was having an oral thing that night.

School. I am supposed to get something from there before I leave. Crap. I am thinking I am not going to do that. I don't feel like it.

I am really dreading seeing a lot of people. I don't want to see Kenneth. I just can't take ten minutes around him. He's always so angry. I don't want to see any of the...oh crap I almost typed my old last name...nice. I don't mind seeing Lori and her family. That would be nice. I don't want to see any of my dad's friends. I've never felt comfortable around them. I'd rather not see his 2nd wife and her family. Sometimes we manage to not have to see her...but sometimes it doesn't work. I don't want to see my aunt caroline. Ugh. I wish I could just see my dad and mom and my friends and a select few family members.

I am excited to see my cousin Michelle and her new studio. She's getting ready for a show and it's always cool to see her latest works.

My "friend" is telling me that this guy I used to like has seen him naked. I don't care! I don't like that guy anymore, and I am certainly not jealous of his seeing my friend naked. I don't care how hunky people think he is. bleh.

30 minutes. I'm supposed to leave in 30 minutes.

I'm sorry this entry is so long and boring, but it's great for occupying my time.

I ran 3 miles around midnight last night. I weighed 135. Of course I had just had a lot of water and I was wearing my shoes and a shirt and a sweater and some warm ups. That's a lot of extra weight...plus it was the end of the day and I had treated myself to outback. I know I'm making excuses, but really, I'm not fat.

Did I tell you guys and gals that I bought some books on economics? I could feel my dark mood disapating as soon as I had them in my hand. I felt so much better as I was walking to the front of Borders with four books on economics that I can read while I'm in Texas. I've already started on Butterfly Economics. It's looks really promising. Then I'll read Naked Economics and then a regular book on the fundamentals. I want to read some individual theories and see how passionate people can be about it before I get into the really dry stuff. Sounds backwards i guess, but that's how I do everything.

The other night I stayed with my friend Jim. He cooked this awesome grilled salmon and served it over a salad. Amazing meal. Very light and very good. He gave me all kinds of cooking tips. Cool guy.

Charlie called me yesterday morning and kept asking me all kinds of questions I didn't care to answer. He told me I was pushing him away and a bunch of other crap. I was still really groggy and I know he was very much hungover...so neither was were totally coherent. i finally told him that the day before I had felt really alone and was thinking about suicide. Yes, I was thinking about suicide. Sometimes I think about it. hello I'm on an antidepressant for a reason. anyway, please take note that I wasn't thinking about actually doing it. I would never do it. I've seen what it does to the survivors. Ok, so then he accused me of flaunting my suicidal thoughts for attention. I was like, "What the hell?! you begged me to tell you and now you're accusing me of flaunting my emotions? i wasn't going to tell anyone." Of course, now I'm telling everyone, but whatever...he told me I need help. I was really frustrated by that conversation. Charlie seems to just beat me down a lot. I don't know what's up with that. I'm always so comlimentary to him.

I did very sweetly suggest he have abdominoplasty. I didn't mean for it to be an insult, but he was extremely offended. Well, what can I say? He's done a great job losing weight, but now he has a little bit...ok more than that...of excess skin.

He ended the conversation soon after that. I asked him if he wanted to go have lunch later in the day, and he said that he better not eat given that someone was telling him he needed abdominoplasty. Good grief. Jim had had abdominoplasy because he lost 140 lbs and he looks awesome. I mean, if it's available and you need it, how is that insulting? I just wanted to make him aware of the fact that he could have it fixed. Obviously I wasn't going to shock him with the prospect that he might need a little bit of skin cut away. If my body wasn't so utterly perfect, I'd have something done.

ha ha...kidding...honestly, if I could have something done to make myself taller, I would in a heartbeat. I'd also love to have etching done on my stomach. I think that's what it is called. I just have this little bit of fat that WILL NOT go away. Even when I was anorexic (yes, I was, get over it), and was Obsessive/compulsive with exercize and did literally hundreds of ab exercizes a day, I still didn't have ripped abs. you could see a six pack, but not like I wanted...but obviously my perception was totally out of whack if I was willing to stop eating in order to try to look a certain way. Sometimes I'm just really stupid. What can I say?

I'm stopping here. I wonder how many people read this whole entry.

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