Long time ago
2003-06-08 | 8:59 p.m.

I wrote the following "bit" a long time ago. I was really confused about my relationship with someone. I've shared this before, but not the last paragraph. Anyway, I just found it and thought I'd share all of it this time. It probably won't make much sense to anyone.

I stand on the edge of the precipice as a brisk wind whips about me. I clutch my arms to myself, but they offer no comfort, no warmth. I stare out into the sea of my mind and watch the ebb and flow of emotion. A gray sky hangs low and oppressive overhead, filled with stagnant, ashen clouds. It is traversed by a lone gull, mocking me with cries I too long to moan. My mouth opens, but there is only the sound of the sea and the thud of the gull falling dead at my feet.

My heart is obsidian. Hardened and black with pain, it sits as a cold stone in my decaying chest. My face is cool and salty. The sea mocks me with false tears, as I long to shed my own. I blink once, twice�in vain. The wind continues to blow against me, first howling in my ears, then gently caressing my face. It provides neither comfort nor offense.

Then I hear something on the wind, in the far distance, in the sea of my mind. Splashing�gasping�struggling�laughing�crying�what is it? I peer out into the stark plain of rolling shadows, and strain to identify the source of such myriad emotions.

Suddenly, you are there beside me.

�Listen� You say.

�What is it? I ask.

�Listen to the sounds you hear� You reply �It�s me�

�It�s drowning� I say

�It�s not drowning It�s surviving.� You say

�I�m going to save you.� I say My muscles tense as I ready for the jump

�No wait Listen Just listen� You say

�No I love you I have to save you� I plead

�Shhh�sometimes you just need to listen.� Your heavy hand keeps my feet planted.

�But I don�t want you to die�

�I think I�ll be happier there, if I learn to survive� Sapphire eyes stare into mine, the only color in the increasingly barren landscape of my soul. Then I listen�frozen there, as your specter slowly fades away�and I listen there, alone, to you, as you splash, gasp, struggle, laugh, and cry�as you try to survive�and my body shudders in fear.

A great fog stretches out across the sea of my mind. I am unable to determine its actions, as I am left only to hope that when the fog lifts, the sea will still be there. I continue to stare, still listening�I breath deeply and slowly, willing my lungs to expand and contract with the crashing of the invisible waves. I am alone. I am numb.

My eyes begin to droop, exhausted from continuously staring out into the void�unyielding in my quest�searching to no avail for a glimpse of you. I force them to remain open. They are greeted again by oblivion. Cracked lips part to cry out to you and a swollen tongue lifts to aid my call�but no sound. Still only the crashing of the sea and faint sound of you growing fainter still. And quite suddenly, as the obsidian stone that is my heart shatters and the veil of my soul is lifted to reveal only emptiness, I realize�you�re floating away�away from me�away from my love�away from life.

I leap into the sea, screaming in silence for you. Icy water drives thousands of needles into my skin, and I swim. I swim to you. I can hear you. Closer now�I�m almost there�soon I�ll be there�there to save you�I can see your faint silhouette, my desperate gasps for air the closest thing to a cry of your name�

As the sea claims my body, fast losing what little life was left, my mind screams in frustration and agony. I was so close to saving you, but in the end, it is I who cannot survive. Finally, my vocal cords are loosed, and I call out for salvation.

I�m falling apart. I�m so confused and numb all at the same time. I don�t know what�s going on in my mind. This story may not make sense�It was my way of trying to deal with what I�m feeling�about me�and you�I didn�t write an ending, because I am hoping you�ll be able to tell me what happens�I have no idea.

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